LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR FAMILY GATHERING?

For a lucky few, this year’s family gathering will be a source of pleasure, rejuvenation and connection. For many others, the thought of the upcoming family gathering is a source of stress. Many look to the family gathering with both trepidation and cautious excitement. Maybe it will go betterl this year. Maybe you will connect with a sibling you fell out with or an uncle you haven’t seen for a long time. Maybe Mom will be supportive of the new job, or finally pay attention to the grandkids this year. Maybe your brother won’t drink so much and there won’t be any scene at the dinner table. Our expectations are high and so is our anxiety.

Family members bring out the best and the worst in us. They often know more about us than anyone else and they remember things we’d rather forget. They may be stuck with an image of us based on how we behaved as a child. Likewise, we may have difficulty seeing our brother as anything other than the bully he was at 12. Although we’ve grown and put many of the hurts, insecurities and petty grievances behind us, family members can trigger old wounds with just a look, smirk, or comment.

Perhaps you had a brother who was always better at everything than you or a sister who was popular and pretty. Perhaps your brother used to tease and bully you or your sister enjoyed putting you down in public. Your Mom or Dad may have been critical and demanding, never seeming to be pleased with anything you did. All those old feelings are forgotten in our busy lives, until we see everyone at the family gathering.

Families have a way of making us feel 10 years old again. We want terribly to impress and be acknowledged but we end up feeling awkward and unappreciated. It can take days or even weeks to recover from the insecurities that family gatherings can stir up. Of course, if you had a validating, supportive family where teasing and belittling amongst family members was not tolerated, you are going to love the holidays. For the rest of us, we need strategies to cope.

How can you survive the holidays without opting out completely? The first step is to lower your expectations. Be realistic and don’t expect Mom, Dad, or any of your siblings to act differently than they always act. Rather than focusing on how they “should” behave or even how they “better behave,” expect them to behave exactly as they’ve always behaved. If Mom usually comments on your weight, expect her to do so again this year. If your brother always wants to one-up you, expect him to do it again this year. Let go of needing or wanting people to be different than they are.

Rather than focusing on how you want things to be, cope ahead and plan instead for how you’ll respond to certain situations. Don’t think revenge or shaming, that’s your ten year old talking. Think instead about how to be effective. Sometimes the most effective thing we can do is ignore certain behaviours. Other times a simple comment such as, “I really don’t like comments about my weight,” are effective. Telling a brother who is bragging about his accomplishments yet again, that you are proud of him, may allow you to shift the conversation to something else.

Give thought to how you might inadvertently trigger your own family members. Even though you are no longer the irritating ten year old you used to be, if you tease your sister, no matter how good naturedly, she may not see it that way.

Take stock of your own triggers. It’s possible you’re not reacting to what is said or done in the moment as much as you are reacting to past grievances. Focus only on what is happening in the moment and try not to bring past behaviour into it. The comment about your son may not be so offensive if you let go of how your father treated you when you were young. Your sister talking about her successful career won’t be as annoying if you let go of the way you grew up in her shadow.

As children, we want people in our lives to be close to perfect because we don’t have the skills to cope when they are not. Our ability to speak out, to change situations, or to challenge other’s reality is almost non-existent. We are not in the same situation as adults and we no longer need others to be perfect so we can feel safe and secure. This holiday season, make a decision to let go of the past and of the desire for your family’s approval. See if this shift helps you enjoy your less than perfect family a little bit more.

Jenny DeReis, MC Psych, CCC